Vanilla Twilight
by dietgrrrl
Summary: songfic for the song Vanilla Twilight by Owl City, hikaruxkaoru


I do not own the song [vanilla twilight] or Ouran.  
Hikaru has been sent to a mental hospital for suicidal ideation, and Kaoru thinks about him one night.

_The stars lean down to kiss you,_

_As I lie awake and miss you_

_Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere_

Kaoru lies awake, alone in his queen sized bed, thinking of poor Hikaru. _He must be so lonely. _He cries and cried for his best, friend, his brother, his other half. _How could I have missed that he was suicidal?_ His brother had admitted to putting sleeping pills in Kaoru's tea the night he tried to kill himself, but Kaoru still felt as if he should have known. They knew everything about each other, didn't they?

'_Cause I'll dose off safe and soundly,_

_But I'll miss your arms around me._

_I'll send a postcard to you, dear,_

'_Cause I wish you were here._

He remembers times where they would lie together in bed, talking and cuddling and kissing. He remembers the first time they kissed, the first time they cuddled together to keep from being scared of a raging storm outside their window. More tears roll down his pale face as his body starts to shake with sobs.

_I'll watch the night turn light blue,_

_But it's not the same without you,_

_Because it takes two to whisper quietly._

Kaoru remembers the times they stayed up all night, watching the sky turn from dark to light as the sun rose outside their window, just talking and laughing. They had suck fun together. _How could he want to die? Isn't our world supposed to be a happy one?_ He is crying hard, but doesn't care who hears him.

_The silence isn't so bad_

'_Til I look at my hands and feel sad_

'_Cause the space between my fingers are_

_Right where yours fit perfectly._

He looks down at his hands, clasped in his lap, and imagines Hikaru's fingers intertwined with his. He tries to remember the exact feeling of Hikaru's fingers with his, exactly what he would have said if he was here. _Why wouldn't he tell me? I could have helped him… I could help him more than those damn doctors._ Now anger is mixed with sadness, and he sobs even harder.

_I'll find repose in new ways_

_For I haven't slept in two days_

'_Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone_

He hasn't slept since Hikaru went to the emergency room, because Kaoru can't stop thinking of him and all the good and bad times they've shared throughout the years. He thinks of all the times they played the "Which One is Hikaru Game" and cries out. _How could he ever want to leave me? God, I miss him so much, and it's only been a few days. I wonder how long they'll keep him trapped in there? _He shivers at the thought. He goes to school with bloodshot eyes and messy hair, because he just doesn't care when Hikaru isn't around. He has been skipping going to the host club entirely, because he doesn't want to see the pity on everyone's faces.

_But drenched in Vanilla Twilight,_

_I'll sit on the front porch all night_

_Waist deep in thoughts, 'cause when I_

_Think of you, I don't feel so alone._

Kaoru gets up slowly, still crying, and moves to his balcony. He stares at the moon and wonders if Hikaru is looking at it too. It makes him feel so much closer to his brother. He recalls a time where, at their summer house, they snuck out onto the beach one night, and watched the stars together. He somehow cried even harder, his shirt sleeves soaked with the tears he tries to wipe off his face. He decides, now, to just let them fall.

_As many times as I blink,_

_I'll think of you tonight._

Kaoru tiredly goes back to bed, and cries himself into a much needed sleep. He dreams of fire and nooses and Hikaru jumping off a bridge into black water. When he tries to follow, he never reaches the water, he just keeps falling.

_When violet eyes grow brighter,_

_And heavy wings grow lighter,_

_I'll taste the sky and feel alive again._

_And I'll forget the world when I do,_

_But I swear I won't forget you._

The next day, Tamaki decides something has to be done. He talks to Kaoru and brings him to music room 3 where Kaoru has been skipping club meetings. He tells Kaoru to let his grief out to the girls, use it to his advantage. Reluctantly, Kaoru tries this, and find it makes his heart feel slightly less heavy. He tells the girls of all the times he can remember when Hikaru was sad. _He never seemed that sad, I always thought he was cheerful. How could I have missed this?_ He puts his whole self into his act, that isn't entirely an act, and after, he can feel a small smile replace the constant frown that has been on his lips for days. The girls had told their stories of sibling, and even themselves, being in places like where Hikaru was, and they all ended happily. _Maybe he'll come back happy, maybe he'll be okay._

_Oh, if my voice could reach back_

_Through the past, I'd whisper in_

_Your ear, "Oh, darling,_

_I wish you were here."_

He finally sleeps that night, hugging his tear stained pillow close to him and pretending it's Hikaru. _It's not the same, but it'll have to do for now._


End file.
